Sunday mornings my alarm is set for 9:15 AM. This is the latest I can possibly get up and still get my family in a church pew before the opening song. I rarely need the alarm because my house gets moving pretty early, but when the babies have a rough night and we go back to bed at six or seven...well, then I need the alarm.
This morning I needed the alarm. It went off and I turned it off and I don't even remember. Jack had Baby Girl downstairs with him as of 8 am after a grueling night, I was fighting for covers and mattress space with Baby Boy - which shouldn't be as difficult as it is. Kid has a death grip and a scissor kick. Dangerous. Not even my alarm could save me.
I woke up on my own at 9:45, panicked, and ran down the stairs. I found Baby Girl bundled up, snoozing on her boppy pillow. Jack was doing dishes in the kitchen. No better way to start your morning that to encounter a hot husband...doing the dishes. Be still my heart. And then it got better....Jack told me to go ahead to church and he would watch the kids. What?????
Now, I love taking my kids to church. Nothing makes me more proud than to look down that pew and see my beautiful family. As a stay at home mom, this is what I do...this is why we make the life choices we do...these kids are where almost all my energy and passion go. I enjoy seeing the product of all that energy and passion all together holding hands and praying. It makes my heart happy.
But with an infant and a toddler and antsy big kids...we have our hands full. My main concern in church is to not drive the people in the pews around us screaming out the door. We are always shushing mouths or wrangling flailing body parts or catching flying bottles or whispering treats for good behavior. So to go to church alone...was something new and different and a little more reverent.
It felt off the minute I left the house. I was driving in the minivan...alone. That is not right. It clearly states - in MSU stick people on the back window - that there are seven human beings in this family...and three canines. It seems statistically impossible that I could be alone. But I am. So I cranked the radio to a child inappropriate rock song...that sadly is playing on a 'classic' rock station...and drive to church. I spent an inordinate amount of the drive talking to traffic to fill the space where my toddler's questions about everything we pass would normally go. I check over my shoulder to make sure the empty car seat base isn't sitting at an uncomfortable angle. I park and automatically open all the van doors for my children that aren't with me. Thank God I am at church where no one judges you...or that would have been embarrassing.
Walking in, I didn't know what to do with my arms. How long has it been since I could walk somewhere without holding someone/something? I usually have 4 or 5 someone/somethings I am juggling - holding the infant car seat, diaper bags over a shoulder, toddler attached by a hand or an entire arm if necessary. Grocery bags or swim gear or some other soccer mom paraphernalia from time to time. I forget how to move empty arms. I settled between crossing and swinging them. I probably looked like a weirdo alien that stole a human body and was trying to maneuver new and strange body parts.
When I actually get inside church, I can sit anywhere. No need for a long empty pew. I sit in the same place as always anyway. I do notice though this time that there are neighbors. People do sit around us. Huh. I shake their hands and smile and wonder in my head if they saw me opening van doors for invisible children or playing with my rediscovered arms. I actually sing all the songs and no one takes my order of worship and tears it apart to beat me with...although my nephews one pew up make periscopes out of theirs and check out the little boy across the aisle doing the same thing. Cute. I listen to the actual mass parts and the homily. At the end, I just walk out. Nothing to pack up, no one to herd out. So strange. Maybe I really am an alien.
But I am starting to feel like I have left something behind. I feel like something is missing. I have a quick lunch, run a fast errand, and hurry home. I walk in the door and there on my couch is my gorgeous, kind, smart husband and our beautiful, happy kids. And they all have big, giant smiles for Mama.
It was nice to have a morning to myself, infinitely nicer to come back home.
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