Kegal Does A Body Good

I did not do nearly enough kegals.

Two pregnancies and births later and my bladder has thrown in the towel.  Actually a towel would be helpful...and my bladder is the opposite of helpful...sooooo, pick another saying.

Let's start by being totally honest.  I don't think I did any kegals.  Maybe one, to see if I actually could do it.  I think I was discouraged by the advice to try and stop peeing midstream to identify the correct muscles...because what pregnant woman can stop peeong midstream???  C'mon now people.  Know your audience.

Both pregnancies, the thought crossed my mind that unless I wanted to be in adult diapers by forty, I should do the damn kegals.  After all, it is barely exercise, right?  I can do it sitting down.  And both pregnancies, I thought that I have way more important things to worry about...like birthing and raising this child.  Speaking of which...are any amount of kegals really going to combat the reality of childbirth?  I am not sure.

So I didn't.  And now?  Now it is sneezing season.

What the hell.

All the grossness of pregnancy and birthing and the foreverness of after birth fun...and now there is MORE???

I may never have pretty underwear again.

Purveyor of Weapons

On Friday, I am chaperoning our 9 yr old son's field trip to the River of Time.  If you live under a rock - or somewhere other than where I live I suppose - River of Time is a historical encampment where they live like people from other time periods, mostly war times.  They reenact battles, set up a blacksmithery (I am sure that is not a real word),  a mercantile with things to buy that are not authentic necessarily, but similar to things that are authentic....those sorts of things.

Today Boy came home from school and was all hopped up on smuggled bus ride sugar and youthful exuberance...and asked me if I was going to chaperone for sure.  When I said yes, he whooped it up...hollering and jumping around.  There may have been a living room cartwheels thrown in.  He was joyous.

It was such a nice moment.  I was so happy he was enthusiastic about me coming to his class and doing this with him.  He is a huge Daddy's Boy, so most of the time I am a combination of chopped liver and The Woman Who Washes Tje Baseball Uniforms.  It was heartwarming that he was so happy I would be there...

And then he says the following....

"Then you can buy me a cool rubberband gun because they won't let kids buy any weapons."

I am put swiftly in my place.  Chopped liver, Woman Who Washes The Baseball Uniforms...and Purveyor of Weapons.

Unanswerable Nighttime Questions

How does Baby Boy skip nap, be exhausted and crying by eight BUT still be awake and chatty until MIDNIGHT?

How does Baby Girl know the exact moment when my brain turns off and I slide into sleep, so she can scream like a wild banshee? 

Are there tame banshees?

How does my husband honestly sleep through the noise of all kinds of banshees?

How does Baby Boy know the exact moment his sister falls asleep, so that he can promptly pee through his pajamas?

What is worse...trying to find and attach clean pajamas to a mostly asleep whiny toddler?  Or having bare toddler skin stick to you all night?

How can Baby Boy show zero interest in any children's tv show during the day when I attempt any household chore without him...yet cry for me to turn the tv back on after Blacklist is over at eleven o'clock at night?

Why does Baby Girl insist on continuously spitting out her pacifier, placing it under her person, and then screaming like some kind of banshee?

What exactly is a banshee?

Will I ever sleep again?

Mysteries.  All of them.

9:39 PM!!!

It is before ten at night and ALL of our kids are tucked into their own beds!  The big girls are together, I just tucked Baby Boy into the room he shares with his big brother, and Baby Girl is stretched out in her crib snoring sweet baby snores.  Jack is passed out in our bed and all three doggies are curled into little circles in their favorite spots.

I really have nothing else to say in this blog, no witty comments or astute observations...it just feels so freaking awesome to have everyone tucked in and safe and happy.  And at a normal bedtime hour.  Life is sweet.

10:08 A.M.

10:08 A.M.

The time when this picture was taken, of my sleepy babies.  On the morning after Baby Boy woke up after wetting through - on my side of the bed - at 4am and was still awake when Jack's alarm went off this morning. 

In theory, I should be laying with them trying to catch up on all the sleep I missed last night, however...

I was up at 4 am to change Baby Boy's pajamas and give our bed the towel treatment.

I was up at 5am to feed Baby Girl.

I was up at 6 am when Jack turned on the lights to find work clothes.

I was up at 6:45 AM to make sure both big girls were dressed and on their way to school.

I was up at 7:30 to wake up our 4th grader and put him on the bus for 8 am.

I was up at 8:30 so Baby Girl could finish her earlier bottle she fell asleep on.

And at this point, all the up and down and the bright bathroom sunlight from that damn eastern window have me too awake to actual fall back asleep.

Quick, heartfelt prayer of thanksgiving for the contents of my bed...large dose of caffeine in any form I can find...bring on the day.

New Me

I am not a doctor.  I do not have any medical training or special therapy skills or book knowledge on postpartum depression.  I know that before I had children I believed this to be a small thing, a thing you could shake off easily.  I imagined it to be like being a little emotional and a bit sad for no reason.  I had no idea.

It seems like a total loss of self.  In the birthing of these amazing, beautiful children of mine, I sometimes felt like I could not lay my hands back on the person I was.  And on bad days, I couldn't even remember the person that I was...or how I got here.  There was a disconnect.

It was so much more than losing my old body and my old clothes.  It was more than losing sleep and time and hobbies.  More than long lost dinner dates with friends and conversations with words longer than two syllables about lively, debatable topics.  It was a total gutting out of old me and rebuilding new mom me. 

This New Me has good qualities, I am sure...but I don't exactly know how she works yet.  And it is frustrating when operating new machinery.  This New Me snaps at my husband while Old Me cringes a bit.  New Me just thinks of every minute he slept that I didn't and shrugs.  New Me cries over ridiculous things....tv shows and milk-less fridges and tragedies that I imagine will happen one day, but actually haven't happened.  Old Me thinks New Me is a colossal wimp.  How can I be tougher and sharper and more impatient AND be a marshmallow that cries at everything???

It makes no sense.

For me...this giant nerd that loves reason and organization and symmetry...that is the worst of it.  It makes no sense.  There is no rhyme or reason or pattern.  My schedule exists only for my family to shatter it on a daily basis and send New Me into a tailspin of tears, comfort eating, and binge watching Parenthood.  Which also makes me cry.  Damn Bravermans.

So I am doing this day by day.  Becoming familiar with the ownership manual on New Me.  Hoping to upgrade to Better Me and Saner Me and Less Weepy Me shortly.  Today is better than yesterday, and leaps and bounds better than last month.    In the meantime, enjoy the blogging.  New Me apparently really likes social media.

Queen of the Tigers

Baby Girl is fierce.

This weekend she woke up almost every two hours all night long.  There is definitely an adjustment period moving to her crib.  Apparently she is going to take after her Daddy and be a midnight mover and shaker because she is already spinning in circles and rolling around, checking out all corners of the crib. There is no stillness in any of my children, even when asleep.

So all this moving keeps shaking her pacifier loose and getting her feet stuck on the sides of the crib and all that jazz...leading to her waking up and objecting.  Last night may have been more my fault since apparently as I sleep walked through making her bottle I did not perform the kind of important step of adding formula....sooooo....I gave her a very filling 8 oz bottle of water in the middle of the night.  Oops.

She doesn't cry really.  She hollers.  There is no whimper, no sadness, no being scared or upset or confused.  There is just a gigantic burst of noise that sounds like she is issuing commands.  Last night, in my exhaustion, I imagined that she was scolding the tiger on her mobile.  It kinda sounds like this, with her yelling an indistinguishable phrase and then pauses momentarily before continuing on.

Baby Girl:  RAWR!! AHHHH!grumblegrumbleGRAHHH!

(silence)

Tiger:  But, I was just...

Baby Girl: NANA!!indignantsniffROAR! BWAAAAAA!!!

Tiger:  I am sorry, could I just explain...

Baby Girl:  Silence!  Fool.

Ok, that last part might have been a stretch.  Sleep deprivation does funny things to a person.  But the rest of it I can totally see.  That tiger has no chance.  Baby Girl will eat him alive.

12:23 AM

This might become a thing...number blogs......all chronicling the ridiculous times of night I am awake and blogging while feeding and soothing my genetic contributions to society.

Last night?  Last night was a fluke.  Last night I was pretty excited.  Tired and proud and excited.  I was up and down many times...but my babies were in their beds dammit!    Baby Girl still wanted her bottles but she was just fine lounging in her crib.  In fact, she was better than fine.  She slept like a little baby angel...who occasionally wanted yummy snacks and then went back to sleep on a food coma.

Not so tonight.

Baby Girl is anti-crib.  So much so that I haven't even attempted to put Baby Boy in his own bed, because at least as long as I leave him cozy with Daddy he will stay asleep.  One at a time.  Also, it is entertaining to watch him twist his body around and put various body parts in Jack's face.  Not that Jack wakes up, but he then unconsciously tries to contort his body to avoid the toddler appendages.  Fun stuff.

Baby Girl stays asleep if she is in her bassinet, if I rock her in the chair, if I hold her in bed, if I wear her as a vest while doing jumping jacks...but NOT when she touches the sheet on her crib.  Huh.  I did change her sheet today.  Perhaps she is opposed to this pretty minty green color?

Who's to know...

So my dreams of beating last night's number vanished almost two hours ago and I am just now about to put her down for the fifth time.  The record for staying asleep in her crib tonight is 15 minutes.  Please pray for me.

                              *****

1:57 AM...official time that both of our darling duet were actually finally asleep in their own beds.  Half an hour later, when toddler feet appeared, I didn't even attempt a return to big boy bed.  Mama needs sleep.  As Scarlett O'Hara said...tomorrow is another day.

Pepper Plants

Pepper Plant Update:

Ok, my pepper plants finally have started to bear fruit...and by fruit, I mean peppers.  Yeah!    Ok, let's go mild to hot.

Bell Peppers are pretty tall, but thin.  Could put 2-3 plants in a big pot next year.  Bad production this year but I hear that from other people.  So far only three green peppers, lots more flowers.  We shall see how lo g it stays warm enough to keep going.

Sweet cherry pepper plants look cute, like tomato pepper mixes.  The plants are medium sized, prob 3 to a pot.  I have 4 green ping pong sized peppers now.  They can ripen to red so I will leave them alone for a bit as long as it doesn't get too cold at night.

Banana Peppers love the pot.  I got three full pickling batches out of my gangbusters pot.  Nada out of the ground and fence one.

Big Chili produced three giant peppers.  Plant is medium sized, not too bushy.  Prob 2-3 in a pot.  Scoville 400-700.

Hungarian Wax gave me two peppers.  Plants never got big, could have put 5-6 in a pot easily.  SHU 5000-10000

Jalapenos produced a handful.  Plants are small, 5 to a pot next year.  SHU 35000-10000

Long red cayenne are super skinny, got three.  These plants were skimpy, they were abused heavily by my dogs.  I would prob try 3-4 in a pot next year.  SHU 30000-50000

Hot Thai are super cool.  Plants are medium sized and grow bunches of skinny peppers in the joints of branches.  So far I have about 15 and more should grow.  Maybe 3 to pot next year.  SHU 50000-100000

Caribbean Red apparently are my hottest plants.  They are little low plants that were dog abused so I am not sure how they would actually do.  I only got one off the fence plant.  Would probably put 4-5 in a pot.  SHU 120000-400000

Would not hang them upside next year.  Pots seem to be the way to go.

10:49 PM

On this historic night, at 10:49 PM...

Both little Larive babies are tucked into their own beds...in their own rooms...and are sleeping.

Frankly, I do not know what to do with myself.

There is this huge empty space next to my side of the bed where a bassinet used to be.  Nothing there but carpet.  The bedroom door can fully open and close without whacking anything.  The vent is not even partially obscured.  I can have all the air I want.

There is no lingering worry that any hanging robes or pushed off bedding will fall on Baby Girl and smother her.  She is safe in her crib, cozy in footie pajamas, sucking on a pacifier and stretching out like she is reveling in all this new real estate.

There are no concerns about Baby Boy getting trapped under one of Jack's muscles as he does sleep gymnastics in our bed or worries he will roll off the bed and hit the sharp corners by each of our nightstands.  He is tucked into his big boy bed only a foot off the ground with a comforter keeping watch between him and the edge.  When last seen, he was snuggled up next to his pillow and his monkey with his butt in the air. 

Jack has been sleeping like a baby long before our actual babies.  He is still mostly on his side of the bed with two of our dogs stretched out by his feet, bravely dodging his leg movements. 

Me?  I should be sleeping, right?  After putting both babies in beds and going downstairs to make Jack's lunch and take a final walk of the house and double checking the babies and setting out middle of the night bottles for when I am a zombie and need as little thinking as possible....I am still wandering the halls a bit.  Fussing over silly details and chores that could wait for morning.  Double checking Facebook to make sure I didn't miss a midnight pregnanacy reveal among my online friends.  Triple checking that both my babies are still sleeping and breathing and safe without me three feet from their person.

Yup.

It has been 29 minutes and I miss the soft sound of their breathing.  And the funny man-baby grunts Baby Boy makes as he changes positions.  And the contented sighs from Baby Girl as she settles into a comfy spot.

But as I type this, from my side of the bed feeling lonely without my babies...Jack rolls over against my back and leans into me and I remember how nice it is to not have baby limbs between us.   Oh yeah, this is why I am working on this.  Because I miss snuggling with my husband.  Very important stuff.  I have a good feeling about this.

UPDATE:  Midnight on the dot...one hour and eleven minutes later...toddler footsteps.  Sleepy adorable toddler face next to mine.  I cuddle him up, let him fall asleep curled up under my chin, and then put him back in his bed.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE:  2:10 AM...one hour forty minutes later...I make stupid comment to husband about how well this is going.  Two minutes later, toddler is back with little outstretched arms.  He doesn't even need to be soothed, he is so sleepy he just melts into the bedding in an oozing pile of cuteness next to Daddy.  Which is good because one minute later Baby Girl hollers for her bottle.  Silly mama...do not tempt the gods of sleep.  I feed and soothe and both kids are once again asleep...in their beds.

UPDATE FOR THE UPDATE'S UPDATE:  It is 5:30 AM.  I just woke up to give Baby Girl her second bottle and found an adorable - and persistent- little boy tucked in my bed between me and Daddy.  I have no idea when or how he got here.  He stays this time.  Also, I found this in the hall leading from his room to mine.  Love this boy.