New Me

I am not a doctor.  I do not have any medical training or special therapy skills or book knowledge on postpartum depression.  I know that before I had children I believed this to be a small thing, a thing you could shake off easily.  I imagined it to be like being a little emotional and a bit sad for no reason.  I had no idea.

It seems like a total loss of self.  In the birthing of these amazing, beautiful children of mine, I sometimes felt like I could not lay my hands back on the person I was.  And on bad days, I couldn't even remember the person that I was...or how I got here.  There was a disconnect.

It was so much more than losing my old body and my old clothes.  It was more than losing sleep and time and hobbies.  More than long lost dinner dates with friends and conversations with words longer than two syllables about lively, debatable topics.  It was a total gutting out of old me and rebuilding new mom me. 

This New Me has good qualities, I am sure...but I don't exactly know how she works yet.  And it is frustrating when operating new machinery.  This New Me snaps at my husband while Old Me cringes a bit.  New Me just thinks of every minute he slept that I didn't and shrugs.  New Me cries over ridiculous things....tv shows and milk-less fridges and tragedies that I imagine will happen one day, but actually haven't happened.  Old Me thinks New Me is a colossal wimp.  How can I be tougher and sharper and more impatient AND be a marshmallow that cries at everything???

It makes no sense.

For me...this giant nerd that loves reason and organization and symmetry...that is the worst of it.  It makes no sense.  There is no rhyme or reason or pattern.  My schedule exists only for my family to shatter it on a daily basis and send New Me into a tailspin of tears, comfort eating, and binge watching Parenthood.  Which also makes me cry.  Damn Bravermans.

So I am doing this day by day.  Becoming familiar with the ownership manual on New Me.  Hoping to upgrade to Better Me and Saner Me and Less Weepy Me shortly.  Today is better than yesterday, and leaps and bounds better than last month.    In the meantime, enjoy the blogging.  New Me apparently really likes social media.