There Is No Coke

I woke up this morning ready to mainline a 2L of Coke.

Baby Girl woke up a bunch last night to eat, because she apparently has made an early life choice to compete in sumo baby wrestling.  And Baby Boy crawled into my bed at five, wide awake, and pointed out things that belong to Daddy and the dogs for two hours.  After that  he fell back asleep and then peed on me, while still sleeping.  In a move destined to get me nominated for mother of the year, I left him wet on my side of the bed and moved to Daddy's side and fell back asleep.  There was no way I was waking him back up.  In a nod to basic decency and to protect the cleanliness of my bed, I did stuff a towel up under him.  I am not a monster.

Soooooo...I want Coke.  But today is the first day in a plan to be healthier.  There is no Coke. I blame extreme weight loss tv shows.  I binge watched a bunch on hulu and got all motivated and now here I am with no Coke.  Goes to show you that no good can come from hulu.  Did I mention that there is NO COKE.

Instead,  in my fridge and my cupboard are beautiful little organized containers that I wrote my name on in huge black Sharpie to try and communicate to our children that the contents are for me.  You wouldn't think that kids would want to eat anything that could be on my healthy eating plan, but I have found that as soon as you think something is safe from kids - no matter what it is- the minute you think that, your child immediately thinks "Hmmm...perfectly portioned crackers in a sandwich bag looks amazing, so much better than these chips, cheese curls, and cupcakes.".   Kids are tricky.  Thus the heavily marked containers with lids.    I spent yesterday filling them up with a week's worth of food and if I eat them all the way I am supposed to, then the internet promised me I will feel amazing by Friday.

I have done this before, and it works for me...as long as I do daily hour long aerobics classes and take long walks every night.  Oh yeah, I was also single and childless then - now I have a husband and five kids.  Hmmm... I am only a few hours in this regime and I already have found several flaws that could derail this whole lifestyle change.

First, I am supposed to eat breakfast within a half an hour of waking up.  Which waking up would that be?  I will skip all the middle of the night waking up, because obviously they don't mean those.  So are we looking at the 5am feeding, the 6am pee incident, the 7am feeding, or the 9am alarm that goes off as I sit up reading Facebook, having given up on sleep?  I think that my babies are going to prevent me from optimizing my metabolic rate right now.  Just a guess.

Next, my FitnessPal app does not have a selection for deadlifting a hysterical toddler from the floor - which definitely burns calories AND builds endurance.  It also does not recognize entries of sprints to the road to keep your toddler from being smooshed by a truck,  deep breathing exercises after finding kids eating perfectly portioned crackers out of a clearly labeled container, or eye rolls. 

Further complicating this new adventure...no one told my toddler he has to cooperate.  My gym has a very lovely kidzone area so mommies can work out while their children play happily.  My toddler does not understand this concept as he mistakenly believes that we are kangaroos and if he looks hard enough, he will find my pouch and live there forever.  We are working on this.

Also...there is no Coke.