What I Meant To Say

Tonight Jack made a comment about how I could have done dishes today.  He was half joking but half serious.   My response was not to attack him with the nearest blunt object, but rather ask in what I thought was the least crazy preggo voice I could muster, "Are you joking?".  

That is what I DID say.  What I WANTED to say was:

"Tomorrow, lets attach one of your 25 lb weights to the front of your belt.  Actually, let's do it tonight so you can sleep on it. . But you can only sleep on your side because you might decrease baby blood flow.  And yes, that does mean your weight will drag uncomfotably to one side and turning over will be a gymnastic performance.  That, combined with me waking you every time our toddler throws himself on my head or I have to get up to pee will give you close to the proper amount of sleep deprivation to start your day.  THEN you can wake up and - never taking off your weight or moving it to a more comfy location - you can chase our toddler for 12 hours.  Our toddler that you can't take your eye off for a second and that needs to be holding your hand dragging you somewhere every other minute.  Our toddler that does not yet care for individual play but rather wants a playmate 24/7.  Our toddler that throws food and makes giant messes and chases our dogs and climbs everything that is taller than six inches.  You will need to keep him alive and happy.  You will need to dress him and then keep redressing him all day as he loves to put clothes on and off right now.  You will need to try and get actual food besides fruit snacks into his belly and then worry when you fail and then give up and let him have a milk bottle and tell yourself you will be a better parent when you aren't growing a human inside you.  You need to stop everything and read to him when he brings you books and teach him where his ears are and what a puppy says.  You need to guage that perfect moment when he is tired but not overtired so he gets a good nap.  If you can, you should try and get dressed and brush your teeth.  I don't want to come home to a gross husband.  Now let's see how productive your day is.  Of course, for this to be a proper simulation of the building exhaustion you would feel you would need to do this for 280 DAYS...IN A ROW.  With hormone injections and bladder and lung pressure and swelling ankles and a foot in your ribcage.  Literally.  A literal baby foot inside your ribs.  And in the back of your mind you would need to be thinking every waking moment that the only way this ends is by you physically pushing this child, with muscles you never work out, out of a very small opening in a very sensitive area.

That is what I meant to say.