I don't know about normal people, but for a stay at home mom who hasn't had a shower in three days or had a stretch of more than three hours sleep in a week or has not had one waking hour where she wasn't dealing with the bodily fluids of one of her children - one careless, ridiculous remark can set off an unmatchable rage. The kind of rage that makes me almost vibrate, so as I sit here rocking my toddler my body almost hums with anger. You could probably attach a wire to me and I have enough energy to power...oh...your whole damn house. Maybe the neighbor.
And I have nowhere to dump this rage. I have to tamp all this madness down and comfort my baby son who woke himself up with an accident and a sore, red bottom that makes him cry "ow, mama" with half closed eyes as he squirms in my lap trying not to aggravate a raw spot. Poor, sweet baby. I can't unload it on my baby girl who just woke up looking for her midnight meal. She is doing what babies do and these middle of the night feedings are precious and exhausting and will soon be a distant memory. The rest of my house is sleeping and unavailable to be vented upon, and also would not understand. They would simply think I had lost my everloving mind.
Which would be pretty close to the truth at this moment.
I can't text or call anyone. At least not without giving them a mini heart attack thinking someone is hurt. I can't vent on Facebook because I know I will regret it tomorrow even though I long to reach out to the other sleep deprived mommies on there and share my huge frustration and rage that I know they will understand. I want so badly to call my Mommy and cry on her shoulder but she probably wouldn't hear her phone even if I did call. And the years seemed to have morphed her memories of raising children. Either that or we were very well behaved children that she never had to yell at...which cannot possibly be true.
I really want to be childish and throw a giant tantrum. This is unfair and I know that I am in the right and I am filled to overflowing with indignation and frustration and self pity. I want to spend the whole day tomorrow spending money and eating carbs, which always made me feel better before I had kids. However. I am a mother now and no one has time to indulge me with shopping and cheese bread. I can't waste a perfectly good offer of babysitting on shopping aimlessly for myself. If I have a babysitter then I better be taking full advantage and getting all this shit done, taking care of important business, or eating candy bars in my van in a parking lot. The essential things. No, I need to smother this rage without the use of any of my previous crutches. So I will breathe in the smell of my baby's hair and let her tiny fingers curl around mine. I will repeat over and over to myself that I am a grown up now. And I will eventually fall asleep tonight after distracting myself by reading mommy blogs, probably the angsty ones that use the f word, until my eyes give out. And then tomorrow...I will order pizza for lunch and shop online while my house naps.
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