Before I had kids I owned zero one-piece bathing suits. Zero. Courtesy of a pair of cruises and one magical summer mostly spent on the Tawas beach, I did have half a dozen bikinis and a handful of tankinis. I also had a less than perfect body that I was still pretty comfortable in...I liked the way I looked. And was unconcerned with anyone that thought I needed to be a size 2 to wear a two piece suit.
Now I have created, carried, and birthed two children in this body. And she is showing a little wear and tear. How does that song go? The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be... Now, I am the sad owner of not one, but two one piece suits. I call them "The Tent" and "Tent Jr."
I bought The Tent when I was first pregnant with Baby Boy. I was four months pregnant when summer hit and I wasn't embarrassed to wear a bikini while pregnant as much as it was too much work. It was uncomfortable and the ties pulled funny and everything was bigger and I couldn't see what I had actually shaved and what I may have missed. Too.Much.Work. So I bought The Tent. It was actually not a maternity suit, it was just a black, skirted one piece in a larger size...ok, a few larger sizes, than normal. And it worked and I loved floating, because a buoyant preggo belly is a lovely thing, and I was happy that summer. Then I had Baby Boy. I went out and bought Tent Jr, which was one size smaller than The Tent. It was a little younger looking, sported a few polka dots and a little color...and it still is something a grandma would wear. Very serviceable tank straps, sturdy structure, no sex appeal AT ALL. Despite that...by the end of summer, I was pregnant with Baby Girl. Jack must like polka dots.
This summer...I am not pregnant. And I refuse to buy another Tent in any form or color, with any dots or stripes. No more skirts or industrial strength straps or lycra so strong I cry a little every time I have to wrestle with it to pee. I am done.
Sooooo...
I tried my old bikinis on yesterday. And I am still convinced one day I will use them again. But not this day. Not this summer. Not while breastfeeding. And despite my even less perfect body and the bearing of two children and all the changes that came with it...that is my only problem with wearing a bikini again. A bikini top has not been made that can sufficiently contain the milk factory. I can't be walking the beach, hear any baby in a ten mile radius cry and then nail some unsuspecting beach goer with milk in the side of the head. It would be rude.
I tried finding another bikini top with more support, one to get me through this summer. In fact, I kidnapped my baby sister to go with me. She didn't believe me when I said I wanted to go bikini shopping. And when my other sister called her and heard what we were doing, she didn't believe her either. And I thought that was the saddest thing.
Why should I be embarrassed that my stomach is soft and lined with stretch marks? Why should I feel shame about something as silly as a bathing suit? I don't see any men out there inventing full body swimsuits to hide their beer guts. Surely it should more acceptable for me to show the marks of my labor than for a man to show the marks of his trip to the fridge? This body MADE people! Literally! And then it FED them! And now the muscles you might not see carry them and rock them and play with them all day. And the soft spots that keep me out of swimsuit calendars support little heads when they are tired or sad or just need a good cuddle. Those stretch marks and soft baby pooch are the visible reminder of how amazing and strong this body is. And I am not ashamed that it is packaged in a size 14 with a less-than-defined waist and dimpled thighs.
How can I tell my daughters that God made us all in different shapes and sizes on purpose - and then hide from mine? What kind of message would that send? God gave me this body. And I will continue to work at keeping it healthy and try and eat better and exercise more - to be a good steward of what I have been given. That does not mean I am going to hide it...under a bushel barrel...made of Lycra...until it is deemed socially acceptable to showcase. It is beautiful, we are all beautiful...And exactly as God intended.
So to my daughters...And the doubters...here is me, today, in a bikini. Proud of this exact, flawed, strong, unique, amazing body that God gave me to do marvelous things with. And as soon as I am done nursing your baby sister, you can watch me burn both the Tents...while wearing a bikini...with a really strong underwire.
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