Jack and I were recently were complimented on the strength of our marriage. This is lovely to hear, not because we think we are perfect by any means but because we value our relationship and put effort in to make each other happy. It is nice that someone noticed. If I had to bullet list, this is what I would say is most important ...
1. Most days, we both try and hold up our fair share. I say most days because let's be honest...some days I barely make it through by the grip of my gnawed-to-the-cuticle nails. When the kids turn ugly, my goal is to just not leave lasting psychological damage as I yell and herd and try to contain the crazy. And Jack has days at work that just hit him hard where he comes home and as much as he tries to stay present, his eyes refuse to cooperate and he is snoring on the couch while the kids run around like sugar fueled hyenas I have to try and wrestle into bed on my own. Some days get away from you, no matter how good your intentions. But most days...Most days Jack goes to work to provide for our family and then comes home and kisses me and asks how our day went. He makes Baby Girl smile, takes Baby Boy on a wagon ride, and listens to our Big Kids tell him a hundred little things that loom large in their world. He sits down with us for dinner, helps with baths and pjs and bedtime stories, and then...sometimes...when the stars are in perfect alignment and the gods are generous...sometimes he gets quiet time with Mama. And most days...most days I spend the day trying to make all our tiny people a little bit smarter, a little bit more responsible, and a little bit more confident in who they are and their place in this world. I oversee homework and chores and even though it is so, so, so tedious and they shoot me murderous looks almost every time...I ask them a hundred times a day to pick up after themselves because someday I want their future spouses to like me. I drive mini trucks on my knees around the table until it's hard to breathe and read the same story twenty times over and arrange play dates with other tiny people. In between that I try to keep a handle on the mountain of laundry a household of seven creates, clean the rest of the house, and keep somewhat healthy food in the kitchen and on the table. Sometimes...when the stars are in perfect alignment and the gods are generous....I spend quiet time with Jack. We both are all in to this family and to each other and we live that every day.
2. We are kind to each other. As if by magic, my van almost always has a full tank of gas. Which is so amazing, as any person who has ever tried to run errands with little people will tell you. It is one little thing Jack doesn't have to do, but does anyway, that makes me life better. Similarly, Jack has a magic lunchbox. He is capable of making his own lunch and I don't need to make his lunch every day. But I do because it is a small thing that I can do that makes his life better. Every day at lunch I know that he sees that I care that he has a good lunch and for a for a minute he is reminded of how much I love him. And every night when I make his lunch I am reminded of how hard he works and know how much he loves me. These are just two small things but at the end of the day, small things add up.
3. We watch what we say. This is a second marriage for both of us, which is a nice way of saying we know all the things that screw up marriages already. We know that words are not just words. Once said, they bounce around in your skull and whisper to you - the big nasty fighting ones and the small nagging daily ones and all the negative comments in between. We (mostly) think before we speak, take a beat to calm down when upset, and never say things we can't take back. We also (mostly) say thank you, take time to talk about our day, and always say I love you. If the voices in our heads are going to whisper things to us all day, then we want them to be positive things.
Ok, that was an awful bullet list...no bullets in sight and I talk too much. Thank God Jack loves me despite my literary flaws.
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