Sleep Deprivation

This is a public service announcement for all those parents considering having two children very close on age...don't.  Or hire a nanny first or a housekeeper or clone yourself - those would all help.  I am joking of course about having that next child but I am definitely serious about hiring a platoon of assistants.  Baby Boy was 16 months when Baby Girl was born and only sleeping through the night 2 out of 3 nights on a good week.  Now? Now he doesn't sleep through the night and he doesn't sleep in his own bed and he doesn't sleep at all unless some part of him is attached to Mama.  And heaven forbid if Mama actually holds Baby Girl during the night - then the insanity really explodes.  On a related note...it is almost physically impossible to nurse a baby without holding her. 

After a particularly rough week with no real sympathy directed my way and a lack of basic hygiene making me feel like a smelly wild animal...I tracked my actual night schedule to wield as proof that yes, I am Superwoman and yes, I have earned a nap in the middle of the day even though I am a grown adult.    This was my night last night:

10:15 - I carry a wide awake Baby Girl up to bed. Jack carries a sleeping Baby Boy up to his own big boy bed.

10:18 - Baby Boy starts crying and comes into our room.  Amid the shrieking, I hand off Baby Girl to her Daddy and find pajamas so inevitably when I get up through the night my naked bits won't be flapping around everywhere. I crawl into bed and Baby Boy velcros his body to me, sobbing like he was almost eaten by a jungle cat instead of just waking up in his own bed fifteen feet away from me. 

11:00 - Baby Boy is asleep...sideways in our bed kicking me...but asleep.  Baby Girl starts to cry so Daddy hands her off to me, rolls over and is asleep in approximately 2.4 seconds.

11:15 - Baby Girl is asleep in her bassinet...I sleep for 20 minutes

11:35 - Wake up to Baby Girl crying and gagging on a fun mixture of breastmilk, snot, and saline.  Get her upright and settled down.

11:50 - Sleep for 35 minutes.

12:25 - The Krackin awakes! Mason has discovered that we are not sharing at least five points of contact.  Ensue wailing and gnashing of teeth.  Continue for 15 minutes.

12:40 - Settle back into my pillow...almost asleep.. five minutes of rest and....

12:45 - The Krackin was giving me false hope.  More wailing and gnashing of teeth.  Add in lots of body twisting and head throwing.  There are bottle demands and blanket throwing and big, fat crocodile tears. 

1:20 - All in quiet on the west side...ten precious minutes of sleep.

1:30- Baby Girl is hungry...and then gassy...and then hungry. 

1:45 - Baby Girl is full and dry and (mostly) gasless....Ahhh....sleep....two minutes later....

1:47 - I inadvertantly disrupt a point of contact with Baby Boy.  There are immediate consequences.  More crying, wailing, and tears...this time mostly mine.

2:25 -  All babies happy for the moment, Mama gets 45 minutes of blissful sleep.

3:10 - Feeding, burping, soothing Baby Girl.

3:12 -  Shit. The Kracken must have smelled the breastmilk.  It's the dreaded twofer time.  I must securely hold and feed Baby Girl with one hand while using the other to fend off attempts to unseat her from Baby Boy, the whole time making a desperate shh-ing noise over and over, praying it will cease, or at least subdue the Krackin long enough to get Baby Girl enough to eat so that she will lay quiet again. This is not easy since all my defensive moves repeatedly unlatch the baby and shower us all with milk.  This is NOT my most shining moment as a mom.

3:40 - The most magical moment.  I have survived the twofer.  Both babies are sleeping and stay that way for 90 whole minutes!  If you don't count all the kicks to my head from Baby Boy or all the desperate gagging sounds that make me sit up and check for breaths from Baby Girl...then I get a whole hour and a half of uninterrupted sleep.  This will be my longest stretch of sleep tonight.

5:10 - Baby Girl requires sustenance.

5:20 -  Baby Boy requires my undivided attention.  The dreaded twofer has returned a second time in one night.  Aaarrrggggh.

5:40 - Twofer the Second is ended.  Sleeping babies.  Sleeping mama...

6:40 -  Baby Boy sits up every time he hears noise from the big kids getting ready for school, which is often.  So every fifteen minutes for the next two hours I soothe him back down. 

8:10 - Baby Girl wakes up with her unique morning routine of crazy noises and contortionist movements.  I immediately walk her down to her father, take a couple Tylenol, and go lay back down next to the Krackin.

8:30 - Jack sets Baby Girl back in her bed and whispers she should stay sleeping.  Apparently he has never met Murphy or heard of his big law.  So he leaves to take kids to school and she instantly is wet, hungry, and wide awake.

8:35 - I officially throw in the towel.  I give up, get up, and head to the nursery for the change-nurse-rock trifecta.  I text Jack to bring home caffeine and pancakes because clearly I am going to need some additional substance to get through this day.  Baby Girl pukes on me, right next to the spots of renegade breastmilk and dried tears.

9:30 -  Baby Girl is asleep. Jack came with sustenance, saw my crazy eyes, and escaped to play in the rain rather that be in a house with me.  And Baby Boy, sensing his sister was asleep, immediately woke up.  And peed on me.  Next to the puke and the breastmilk and the dried tears.  Four bodily fluids before ten a.m....that might be a record.  Except that one hour later he crawled up in my lap with an exploding poppy diaper....FIVE!  I win some kind of award, right? One that involves a shower, maybe?

God must have made them this cute for their own protection...